Two to Thirty.

Not long ago, I made some self-deprecating joke about still being single at 28. I try not to do this often, as it sounds silly and desperate, but I also figure that if I can't get a few jokes out of being lonely and miserable, what's it good for? (See what I did there?)

The friends I was talking to were quick to give me the cliche (but all too true) responses-- "You have no idea how good you have it being single!" "Seriously, being married isn't everything." "You're still so young, you have plenty of time."

Then one said something that literally stayed with me for over a month.

"For real though, don't rush. I was 29 when I met Justin. If I knew he was on the opposite side of my 40th birthday I would wait for him again."

I mean, other than being a beautiful sentiment, there was something about it that just lingered. It randomly popped into my head at the most obnoxious times, like when I wanted to wallow in self-pity. And then, a few days ago, I got it. 

If I were told right now when I would meet my husband, what would it change? Whether I had 6 months, 6 years, or 26 years, how would that change how I lived my life?

For me, it would change a lot. No matter what the time frame was. It would mean doing the things I can only do while I'm single. It would mean learning things now that would make me a better wife. It would mean doing everything I could to come into my marriage with no baggage that would hold me back from my husband. It would mean learning to cook a perfect roast chicken. It would mean being able to resist the temptation to give in to men that I know are not my husband, and to not wallow in self-pity (as much as I enjoy it) when I'm not on a date on a Friday night.

Because I would know what was waiting for me. I would know that God had a perfect plan, and a perfect (for me) person.

And then, of course, I realized.....

there's absolutely no reason for me to not be doing all of those things now. 

Other than not knowing the time frame, I feel confident (at this point) that God has marriage in mind for me. So whether it's a year or a decade down the road, I can rest in that confidence. And I can learn to make a perfect roast chicken. I'll have to freeze some of it, because there's no way I can eat it all myself, but I can. I can rid myself of baggage and protect myself from gathering more. 

So, I'm buying a chicken tomorrow. If you want to come help me eat it, let me know. I like the white meat, so the legs are yours.

2013-2014 Goals.

I'm very fortunate to have a great Fine Arts director who has recently been chosen to be president-elect of TETA (the Texas theatre teacher's organization). During our summer conference, he gave the keynote address and spoke on the importance of setting goals and having them posted visibly. After the 5th or 6th time he mentioned (read: emphatically stated) this, the lady sitting next to me leaned over and said, "He's your Fine Arts director, right?" I nodded, and she laughed a little. "Better get those goals posted in your room FAST."

And so I did. Sort of. Right now, on a huge bulletin board on my classroom wall in silver glitter letters is "2013-2014 Goals". I know what mine are, but for right now it's blank. Tomorrow, first period when my Theatre Production class meets, I'm going to make the students choose their goals. I'm pretty sure that having them create the goals will make them more connected to them. Basically, my one rule in that class is going to be that if it doesn't help us get to one of those goals, you shouldn't be doing it. Winning.

But...I've got some personal goals this year. And so I've decided...somewhat begrudgingly...that I'm going to post them here. Visibly. So that you can all help hold me accountable. And--with a few exceptions--I've decided that if it doesn't help me get toward one of these goals...you guessed it. I shouldn't be doing it.

So here ya go.

1) Make my relationship with Christ THE priority in my life. I'm not in some place where I've wandered away and need to get back on track, but I'm definitely guilty of not putting growing in Christ at the top of my list.
2) Get outta debt. I'm not swimming in it, but God has MAJORLY blessed me with a great paycheck and low expenses, so I need to be working toward financial freedom. I'd also love to be able to start putting money aside for things in the future.
3) Get healthy. This is the hardest for me. Not because I don't think I can do it....but because I know I can. I've done it. And then let myself get not just back to where I was...but worse off than I was. And that kills me. It's embarrassing, discouraging, and disheartening. And it's time for it to be over.
4) Be a better teacher.  I think I do ok as a director, but my actual classes often end up getting pushed to the back burner. I want to make a pointed effort to be a good teacher this year--to give every class the attention it deserves.
5) Cook more. Last year, I ate out WAY too much. Laziness, lack of preparation, and just plain being busy got the best of me and I spent too much money and too many calories in the drive thru. Bonus: this goal helps with #2 and #3, too!
6) Focus on the now. I'm always overly concerned with the future. It leads to anxiety, discontent, frustration, and worry....and most of the time, for no good reason. This year, I'm going to be more present in the moment, grateful for my circumstances, and aware that there is a plan for me and worrying about the future won't change that.

So there ya go. My goals. I'm going to post them somewhere in my house and make a point to work toward them this year. If you've got suggestions on how to accomplish any of them, pass those tips along. Lord knows this sister needs 'em.

(BTW, I'm already using Dave Ramsey, Weight Watchers, and Fighter Verse. :-) )

What I've learned from eHarmony.com.

Confession: I am a subscriber to the infamous dating website, eHarmony.com.

Second confession: This is not the first time I've been on the site.

Several years back, my college roommate sent me an Instant Message. (Like, on AIM. Yes, this was several years back.) She was newly married to her college sweetheart, about to purchase a house, living the dream. As we chatted, she started asking me strange questions.

"Would you date a guy who had been divorced?"
"Would you ever date a guy who already kids?"
"Would you ever relocate for a relationship?"
"How do you feel about a guy that has a cat?"

In a few minutes, she supplied me with the login and password for the eHarmony account she had created for me.

I laughed, but then got curious. They had a special going on, so....why not? Worth a shot.

Nothing ever came of it, but I boomeranged back and forth to the site as they had specials. And let me tell you.....the stories I have could keep you entertained for hours (ask my teammates from the summer). This last time I was bored and there was a special. It seemed as good a shot as any, as I had no time whatsoever to go out and meet anyone and there wasn't exactly an overabundance of single men at work or church. Again, nothing has come of it (yet?), but this time around I have realized a few things that I thought I would post here for any men on eHarmony.

WAYS TO GUARANTEE I WILL NOT COMMUNICATE WITH YOU:

1. Make your profile pic a selfie of you in the bathroom mirror. Bonus (negative) points if your shirt is off.
2. Upload other pics that include sitting in your car with your sunglasses on (selfie, of course), pics with your cat, and pics where we can clearly see that your ex-girlfriend has been cropped out.
3. List "Jesus" as the most influential person in your life. I mean, I love Jesus as much as the next girl, but come on.
4. Don't post your real name. Obviously, if your name is "Mr. Right", I'm going to be sucked right in. Where have you been all my life?!
5. List your passion as "living life to the fullest". I was really hoping for someone that just wanted to get a little out of life. Dang.
6. Under "last book you read", list any of the Twilight series.
7. To the question "What is the most important quality you are looking for in a partner?", answer anything about looks. If that is the MOST IMPORTANT quality.....move on. 

Other things I've learned:

• If his profile pic is a group pic and you find yourself saying "please be that guy, please be that guy".....it won't be. Guaranteed.
• If he seems too good to be true....he probably is. I'm convinced some of those profiles are just there to keep you interested. 
•  It is pretty much a guarantee that you will get matched with at least three people you know. And it's SUPER awkward.
•  There is no easy way to transfer from talking on eHarmony to talking in the real world, but Facebook makes it easier.
• On that note, if you do that, you will end up with multiple FB friends that are failed eHarmony attempts. Just embrace it.

So to my single girlfriends...it's not an entirely bad investment, and you're guaranteed to get some good stories out of it.

And to my single guy friends....if you're going to do it, make it worth the time of the girls you're matched with.

And to everyone....call me if you want to hear some awesome stories.

An Unexpected Family.

I've mentioned already that I spent the summer traveling with a camp team. Yesterday, I said my goodbyes to 22 incredible people as that time came to an end. Looking back, it's so amazing to see God's hand all over it.

I started working for Student Life Camp right after my freshman year of college. I had been a camper pretty much every year that I could be, and was thrilled to make it on staff as an actress. I worked the next year as well, and then came back as a Program Director a few years later. Life happened, full-time jobs happened, teacher certification happened, and it didn't work out for me to go back. I was sad, but knew that everyone's summer camp time came to an end at some point. My brother was still working for them, so I knew I would still be connected to that community.

Ryan continued to work for SL and became a camp team director. I watched him grow into an incredible leader and wished that I had gotten the chance to serve on one of his teams. In the meantime, I very happily became a theatre teacher, as I had long dreamed of doing.

In early June this year, I was wrapping up my second year of teaching. Evie, my sweet Lab, and I had just moved into our cute new little apartment. I was very much looking forward to a summer of laying by the pool, working out, eating healthy, and getting everything in order for the next school year. On a Sunday morning, I walked into Target to buy dog food, curtains, and some cleaner for the new place. Instead, I walked out with khaki shorts and a pair of shoes for Reg Day. While in the store, I got the call from Ryan that their Family Group Coordinator had decided that she wasn't supposed to be serving on the team this summer, and they needed someone to take her spot--fast. I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to make it work in light of several issues, but I knew God was planning on getting me back on the road for one more summer.

Over the next couple of days, all of the concerns I had for the summer were worked out for me. My ever gracious landlords happily accepted the responsibility of watching my dog--oh, and by the way, if I wasn't going to be in the house they didn't see why I should pay full rent, so they just went ahead and knocked $200 off the months I would be gone. I could not be more grateful for their help in making this summer of ministry possible. The summer events that I had planned and could not miss were all contained within one week, and were scheduled at a time that it would totally be possible for me to come back to Texas for a week. These were just the big things--a million small details came together in this beautifully orchestrated plan.

One of the toughest things about working camp in the summer is that it's usually done during a season in your life when you don't really know what you'll be going back to in the Fall. That was certainly the case for me in the previous years I had worked, but this time, I knew exactly what was next. I would be coming home to a new apartment, my sweet dog, a full-time job, and a church home. I knew that being free of these concerns would allow me to minister to the people on my team in a way I had never been able to before. I was also coming into this significantly older than a lot of the people on my team. While I knew this could potentially make for a disconnect, I also knew that it could make my teammates see me as someone they could confide in. I was so ready to invest in these 22 people.

What I never imagined was how much they would minister to me. It literally took me until the end of the summer to realize just how spiritually drained I had felt in the last year as a result of the tough environment at work. The spiritual and literal poverty at this school is draining, and the time of worship, learning, and fellowship this summer was exactly the rejuvenation I needed.

The second I met each and every teammate, they immediately made me feel as if I was not only a part of the team, but that we had known each other for years and were already great friends. They wanted to know about me, they wanted to pray for me, they wanted to take care of me. And in those first couple of days, that was exactly what I needed. I had barely slept, I had forgotten just how bad camp food was, and I immediately jumped into a job that I hadn't had the week of training for everyone else had gotten. I was overwhelmed, but more so by the immediate community I had than by the daunting task of assigning out 100 family groups and finding places for all of them to meet.

In the weeks that followed, I spent hours chatting, laughing, crying, scheming, dancing, serving, and living with these (mostly) college students. I went to bed earlier than most of them, joked about how I was way too old for this job and we realized that a couple of them had been at the first camps I had ever worked--and that it was their first camp as 7th grade campers--but throughout all of that, they never made me feel as if I was too old to be a part of them. I was just one of the team, as much as any of them.

The community shared among these 23 people this summer was one of the greatest examples of the Kingdom I've ever seen. Each had their role, that they were specially gifted for, but every single person was willing to lend a hand in any area that it was needed. I could literally write an entire book on all of the wonderful experiences we had, but I'll just leave it at this--I went into this summer expecting to just serve a team, and left with some of the dearest friends I think I'll ever have. The faithfulness of the Lord to not only rejuvenate and teach me, but to also provide amazing companionship for me this summer, is so overwhelming.

To my dear sweet OT13 family--I can only hope I served you a fraction as well as you served me. Your love, laughs, and impact on my life will be long-lasting. Thank you for your incredible service to the Kingdom this summer.

Family on three!

Lies I've Believed (and told)

Confession: I'm a pathological liar.

Now, before you start questioning the validity of everything I've ever said to you, let me clarify: I consider honesty and truthfulness to be of the utmost importance, and strive to have integrity in all of my interactions with people. To myself, however, I tell (or at least believe) lies on a daily basis.

This morning in our staff devo we covered Phillipians 4:8-9.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

A pretty straightforward passage, one we all covered in the dreaded talks about lust and pornography in youth group. I totally understand that this is an issue for many people, and my heart breaks for that. But I didn't necessarily always feel that I struggled with what this scripture is talking about.

Sidenote: Try telling God you don't think a particular scripture applies to you. He'll be sure to point out, with haste, how it most certainly does.

As we started studying, I couldn't even get past the first few words.

Whatever is true.

We had a great discussion on how the basis of truth is scripture and how you have to know (and commit to memory) scripture in order to be able to dwell on truth. And that's absolutely correct. But in order for truth to exist there must be lies, which got me thinking about the lies I dwell on. This comes up in two very obvious ways in my life.

Lie #1: You are not (insert adjective here) enough to be of any value.

This is my daily struggle. Satan starts whispering almost as soon as I wake up that I am not smart, pretty, dedicated, thin, hard-working, creative, talented, any other adjective that applies that day enough to take care of what the day holds. Because of this, I will never be successful in my career, find a godly husband, have children, etc. And as soon as he starts whispering that, I start repeating it to myself. Anything that goes wrong in my day is a result of me not being enough.

And to an extent, that's true. I'm not enough. My righteousness is not enough. It is only through Christ that I can accomplish anything for the Kingdom. But scripture also tells me that God took special interest in my creation. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He formed my inward parts and my frame was not hidden from Him (Psalm 139). Most importantly, I'm created in His image (Genesis 1:27). He has equipped me with everything I need for the purpose to which He's called me (2 Timothy 3: 16-17).


Lie #2: The circumstances, as I perceive them, are the way things actually are. 

I am so guilty of taking minute details in a situation and jumping to wild conclusions. My boss asks me to do something differently. Obviously, he thinks I'm lazy and incompetent and incapable of doing my job. That guy at church sat next to me, asked how I was doing, and made a quiet joke while the pastor was talking. Clearly, he's developing feelings for me and is wondering if I would make a godly wife and mother to his children.

Now, obviously, I'm exaggerating. But I constantly make the mistake of not looking at the whole picture, and not basing my perception of the situation on the facts. My boss only asked me to change something. His attitude toward me did not change. My perception of the situation has far more to do with my feelings of inadequacy (see Lie #1) than the actual circumstances. The guy at church only took a seat next to me and made small talk. He did not ask me to coffee, he did not give me any real indication that he was interested in me. My perception of the situation is based in my desire and longing for that, and my constant seeking for that story.

In both scenarios, unnecessary anxiety is caused by my belief and creation of lies. If I take the counsel of Philippians 4, to dwell on "whatever is true", my heart is focused not on what might be happening but what is. Living in truth and in the moment not only makes me more effective for the Kingdom, but allows me to live at peace as well.

The Lord will reign, forever and ever.

So, for those who don't know, I'm traveling with a summer camp team. These Christian camps serve anywhere from 400-4500 students a camp, with about 5 camps a week happening at once. There's a lot of ministry going on, and it's incredible.

I didn't expect to be traveling this summer. My plans were similar to that of any other single teacher with no kids--pool, books, gym, vacations, sleep. Lots of sleep. However, as discussed in my previous post, God likes to shake things up a bit. I'd served with this ministry before, in college and right after, so when a need arose they called me to see if I could fill the position. I literally got one day of "summer break" before I hurriedly packed my bags and got on a plane to Birmingham.

It's been amazing. While it is exhausting and most of the time I really miss the 20 year-old body that I had when I used to work camp, I'm getting some incredible opportunities for growth, ministry, fellowship and worship.

A few nights ago at our camp in Ohio, I was sitting in a pew comfortably, listening to a sermon about God using us. I (somewhat smugly) sat there, content that I had found God's call on my life as a teacher. A few seconds later, however, God kinda tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hey. Have you noticed I keep bringing you back to camp? Has it occurred to you that a lot of the ministry opportunities I've given you involve jr. high and high school students? You wanna take a second and work through that with me?"

This wasn't an earth-shattering, Damascus road, booming voice from the heavens kind of moment. It was a still, small voice that started piecing together the burden I've been feeling throughout this entire camp experience. I so wish that the rest of my team could step into the halls of high school for two years, sit behind a desk, attempt to teach teenagers that are being bombarded by the world, listen as they cry, comfort them as they hurt. I think it would radically change the way they're experiencing this ministry. My experience in public school has taught me one thing:

Our education system isn't broken, our people are.

We cannot fix what's happening in schools. These students, teachers, administrators, and parents need Jesus. Plain and simple. I've been so very burdened for the salvation of these students, because I know what they're going home to. And if they aren't, their peers are. I want to just shake each of them and explain to them that no amount of popularity, scholarships, achievements or friends will heal the hurt they're feeling on a daily basis. That peace comes from one place, and one place only. And for those that are already believers, I want to create the urgency within them to bring their friends to Christ.

But during the year as a teacher, my conversations can't be that direct. So pray with me for open doors, opportunities for conversation, and the ability to speak within my position for the Lord. Also, I'm not certain that my ministry will always be as a teacher. At the very least, I know that I have two months off a year that I can use to reach students from somewhere other than behind a desk. I don't think this means traveling on a camp team--I'm already way too old for this. But in some capacity, I want to use my time "off" to live out the calling He's given me. Pray with me, if you would, as I work through this.

The summation of that evening was an amazing time of worship. As we sang "The Lord will reign forever and ever" I couldn't help but think that those words had been shouted and sung by so many before me. In that moment, I suddenly felt the praises of Eve, who was cared for despite her rebellion against the Lord; of Sarah, who found herself with child after years of longing; of Ruth, whose kinsman-redeemer painted the picture of Christ; of Esther, who stood for her people; of Gomer, who was pursued over and over, even as she ran; of Mary, trusted with the great responsibility of bringing the Savior into the world. As I imagined what it must've meant for each of them to sing those words, the desire to live a great story for the Lord was overwhelming--whether that story takes place behind a teacher's desk, or in some way I can't even imagine at this point.

The Plan.

Meet 17-year old K'Lynn. 

Aw. Isn't she cute?

If you could travel back in time and sit down with 17-year old K'Lynn (preferably over coffee, because she would think she was SO cool to be having a conversation over coffee) and ask her where she though she would be at age 27, here's what she would probably say:

"27? Oh, by 27 I will have been married to my husband (who I met in college) for 5 or 6 years. We'll live in a big city suburb in our beautiful home with....probably 3 kids, I guess, by 27. I'll be an English teacher at a big high school where I also teach Theatre, so I'll probably be making good money. My husband will definitely either be a youth minister or pastor. I'm called to be a minister's wife. I definitely think that's a calling, and the Lord has definitely called me to that."

Now, please don't bother pointing out the logical errors of the above statement. 17-year old K'Lynn did not understand that big high schools don't need to double up their English/Theatre teachers and that, no matter what you're teaching, you're never going to make good money. She also didn't understand that you're way more likely to be in a tiny apartment at 27 than a big, beautiful suburban home, and don't even THINK about suggesting that she wouldn't be married. That is NOT the plan.

The plan. Dangerous words.

Let's go ahead and fast forward. Ten years later.

Here's how things actually are: I am a teacher....at least I got that part. The cool thing is, I'm only teaching Theatre. And it's awesome. But I'm by no means rich (not surprisingly). I live in a not-so-large city in a tiny apartment. It's great, but it's incredibly small. There's no husband, there's no children. There is a dog.

Come on. How cute is she?

And for the record, I no longer feel "called" to marry a vocational minister. I don't mean to demean anyone who does feel that way. I know now, though, that my "calling" stemmed from a misguided belief that only a pastor, or youth minister, or maybe a music minister could be a spiritual leader for the family I dreamed of having. How ridiculous. Thankfully, through the example of many Godly men, I have realized that every single believer is called to be a minister, and there are many men out there who work in schools, factories, office buildings, etc who love the Lord and lead their families well. Phew. Lots of pressure off there.

The issue with all of this, and what I so desperately want to communicate to women who are disappointed in where they are  in life, is that I was creating my plan. I was so concerned with what I thought would make me happy and fulfilled that I completely forgot that I've got a supreme Author writing my story.

"The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." --Proverbs 16:9

This could not describe me more perfectly. In planning my way, I forgot Who was establishing my steps. The issue here is not just a lack of confidence in the plan the Lord has for me, but the fact that for a while, I was extremely disappointed in the fact that my life didn't go the way I planned. I passed 22 up without a ring on my finger. 24 came and went with no babies to show for it. And I was distraught. How could God do this to me? This wasn't the plan. 

And then, around 25, things changed. I can't pinpoint exactly what brought this about, but my vision suddenly cleared, and it didn't seem so miserable anymore. No, I wasn't married, and no, I didn't have children or a big suburban house--but because of those things, I went on mission trips. I traveled with summer camp teams. I spent hours at the school I work at, pouring my heart out to students and creative endeavors. I could love on my friends' babies, and then sleep in on Saturday morning. I could save money. If I don't want to cook (which is often lately), cereal or Pei Wei it is. 

The point is, right now, I am a better minister than I could be married. And ultimately, that's what it's about. Not my happiness, my success, or how I look to the people I went to high school with. Someday, my husband (if God chooses that for me) and I will be awesome ministers together. But not now. Right now, it's me. And, Lord willing, I'm going to make the most of every opportunity sent my way as a single lady.

And I'll enjoy sleeping in on Saturdays.