Lies I've Believed (and told)

Confession: I'm a pathological liar.

Now, before you start questioning the validity of everything I've ever said to you, let me clarify: I consider honesty and truthfulness to be of the utmost importance, and strive to have integrity in all of my interactions with people. To myself, however, I tell (or at least believe) lies on a daily basis.

This morning in our staff devo we covered Phillipians 4:8-9.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

A pretty straightforward passage, one we all covered in the dreaded talks about lust and pornography in youth group. I totally understand that this is an issue for many people, and my heart breaks for that. But I didn't necessarily always feel that I struggled with what this scripture is talking about.

Sidenote: Try telling God you don't think a particular scripture applies to you. He'll be sure to point out, with haste, how it most certainly does.

As we started studying, I couldn't even get past the first few words.

Whatever is true.

We had a great discussion on how the basis of truth is scripture and how you have to know (and commit to memory) scripture in order to be able to dwell on truth. And that's absolutely correct. But in order for truth to exist there must be lies, which got me thinking about the lies I dwell on. This comes up in two very obvious ways in my life.

Lie #1: You are not (insert adjective here) enough to be of any value.

This is my daily struggle. Satan starts whispering almost as soon as I wake up that I am not smart, pretty, dedicated, thin, hard-working, creative, talented, any other adjective that applies that day enough to take care of what the day holds. Because of this, I will never be successful in my career, find a godly husband, have children, etc. And as soon as he starts whispering that, I start repeating it to myself. Anything that goes wrong in my day is a result of me not being enough.

And to an extent, that's true. I'm not enough. My righteousness is not enough. It is only through Christ that I can accomplish anything for the Kingdom. But scripture also tells me that God took special interest in my creation. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He formed my inward parts and my frame was not hidden from Him (Psalm 139). Most importantly, I'm created in His image (Genesis 1:27). He has equipped me with everything I need for the purpose to which He's called me (2 Timothy 3: 16-17).


Lie #2: The circumstances, as I perceive them, are the way things actually are. 

I am so guilty of taking minute details in a situation and jumping to wild conclusions. My boss asks me to do something differently. Obviously, he thinks I'm lazy and incompetent and incapable of doing my job. That guy at church sat next to me, asked how I was doing, and made a quiet joke while the pastor was talking. Clearly, he's developing feelings for me and is wondering if I would make a godly wife and mother to his children.

Now, obviously, I'm exaggerating. But I constantly make the mistake of not looking at the whole picture, and not basing my perception of the situation on the facts. My boss only asked me to change something. His attitude toward me did not change. My perception of the situation has far more to do with my feelings of inadequacy (see Lie #1) than the actual circumstances. The guy at church only took a seat next to me and made small talk. He did not ask me to coffee, he did not give me any real indication that he was interested in me. My perception of the situation is based in my desire and longing for that, and my constant seeking for that story.

In both scenarios, unnecessary anxiety is caused by my belief and creation of lies. If I take the counsel of Philippians 4, to dwell on "whatever is true", my heart is focused not on what might be happening but what is. Living in truth and in the moment not only makes me more effective for the Kingdom, but allows me to live at peace as well.

The Lord will reign, forever and ever.

So, for those who don't know, I'm traveling with a summer camp team. These Christian camps serve anywhere from 400-4500 students a camp, with about 5 camps a week happening at once. There's a lot of ministry going on, and it's incredible.

I didn't expect to be traveling this summer. My plans were similar to that of any other single teacher with no kids--pool, books, gym, vacations, sleep. Lots of sleep. However, as discussed in my previous post, God likes to shake things up a bit. I'd served with this ministry before, in college and right after, so when a need arose they called me to see if I could fill the position. I literally got one day of "summer break" before I hurriedly packed my bags and got on a plane to Birmingham.

It's been amazing. While it is exhausting and most of the time I really miss the 20 year-old body that I had when I used to work camp, I'm getting some incredible opportunities for growth, ministry, fellowship and worship.

A few nights ago at our camp in Ohio, I was sitting in a pew comfortably, listening to a sermon about God using us. I (somewhat smugly) sat there, content that I had found God's call on my life as a teacher. A few seconds later, however, God kinda tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hey. Have you noticed I keep bringing you back to camp? Has it occurred to you that a lot of the ministry opportunities I've given you involve jr. high and high school students? You wanna take a second and work through that with me?"

This wasn't an earth-shattering, Damascus road, booming voice from the heavens kind of moment. It was a still, small voice that started piecing together the burden I've been feeling throughout this entire camp experience. I so wish that the rest of my team could step into the halls of high school for two years, sit behind a desk, attempt to teach teenagers that are being bombarded by the world, listen as they cry, comfort them as they hurt. I think it would radically change the way they're experiencing this ministry. My experience in public school has taught me one thing:

Our education system isn't broken, our people are.

We cannot fix what's happening in schools. These students, teachers, administrators, and parents need Jesus. Plain and simple. I've been so very burdened for the salvation of these students, because I know what they're going home to. And if they aren't, their peers are. I want to just shake each of them and explain to them that no amount of popularity, scholarships, achievements or friends will heal the hurt they're feeling on a daily basis. That peace comes from one place, and one place only. And for those that are already believers, I want to create the urgency within them to bring their friends to Christ.

But during the year as a teacher, my conversations can't be that direct. So pray with me for open doors, opportunities for conversation, and the ability to speak within my position for the Lord. Also, I'm not certain that my ministry will always be as a teacher. At the very least, I know that I have two months off a year that I can use to reach students from somewhere other than behind a desk. I don't think this means traveling on a camp team--I'm already way too old for this. But in some capacity, I want to use my time "off" to live out the calling He's given me. Pray with me, if you would, as I work through this.

The summation of that evening was an amazing time of worship. As we sang "The Lord will reign forever and ever" I couldn't help but think that those words had been shouted and sung by so many before me. In that moment, I suddenly felt the praises of Eve, who was cared for despite her rebellion against the Lord; of Sarah, who found herself with child after years of longing; of Ruth, whose kinsman-redeemer painted the picture of Christ; of Esther, who stood for her people; of Gomer, who was pursued over and over, even as she ran; of Mary, trusted with the great responsibility of bringing the Savior into the world. As I imagined what it must've meant for each of them to sing those words, the desire to live a great story for the Lord was overwhelming--whether that story takes place behind a teacher's desk, or in some way I can't even imagine at this point.

The Plan.

Meet 17-year old K'Lynn. 

Aw. Isn't she cute?

If you could travel back in time and sit down with 17-year old K'Lynn (preferably over coffee, because she would think she was SO cool to be having a conversation over coffee) and ask her where she though she would be at age 27, here's what she would probably say:

"27? Oh, by 27 I will have been married to my husband (who I met in college) for 5 or 6 years. We'll live in a big city suburb in our beautiful home with....probably 3 kids, I guess, by 27. I'll be an English teacher at a big high school where I also teach Theatre, so I'll probably be making good money. My husband will definitely either be a youth minister or pastor. I'm called to be a minister's wife. I definitely think that's a calling, and the Lord has definitely called me to that."

Now, please don't bother pointing out the logical errors of the above statement. 17-year old K'Lynn did not understand that big high schools don't need to double up their English/Theatre teachers and that, no matter what you're teaching, you're never going to make good money. She also didn't understand that you're way more likely to be in a tiny apartment at 27 than a big, beautiful suburban home, and don't even THINK about suggesting that she wouldn't be married. That is NOT the plan.

The plan. Dangerous words.

Let's go ahead and fast forward. Ten years later.

Here's how things actually are: I am a teacher....at least I got that part. The cool thing is, I'm only teaching Theatre. And it's awesome. But I'm by no means rich (not surprisingly). I live in a not-so-large city in a tiny apartment. It's great, but it's incredibly small. There's no husband, there's no children. There is a dog.

Come on. How cute is she?

And for the record, I no longer feel "called" to marry a vocational minister. I don't mean to demean anyone who does feel that way. I know now, though, that my "calling" stemmed from a misguided belief that only a pastor, or youth minister, or maybe a music minister could be a spiritual leader for the family I dreamed of having. How ridiculous. Thankfully, through the example of many Godly men, I have realized that every single believer is called to be a minister, and there are many men out there who work in schools, factories, office buildings, etc who love the Lord and lead their families well. Phew. Lots of pressure off there.

The issue with all of this, and what I so desperately want to communicate to women who are disappointed in where they are  in life, is that I was creating my plan. I was so concerned with what I thought would make me happy and fulfilled that I completely forgot that I've got a supreme Author writing my story.

"The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." --Proverbs 16:9

This could not describe me more perfectly. In planning my way, I forgot Who was establishing my steps. The issue here is not just a lack of confidence in the plan the Lord has for me, but the fact that for a while, I was extremely disappointed in the fact that my life didn't go the way I planned. I passed 22 up without a ring on my finger. 24 came and went with no babies to show for it. And I was distraught. How could God do this to me? This wasn't the plan. 

And then, around 25, things changed. I can't pinpoint exactly what brought this about, but my vision suddenly cleared, and it didn't seem so miserable anymore. No, I wasn't married, and no, I didn't have children or a big suburban house--but because of those things, I went on mission trips. I traveled with summer camp teams. I spent hours at the school I work at, pouring my heart out to students and creative endeavors. I could love on my friends' babies, and then sleep in on Saturday morning. I could save money. If I don't want to cook (which is often lately), cereal or Pei Wei it is. 

The point is, right now, I am a better minister than I could be married. And ultimately, that's what it's about. Not my happiness, my success, or how I look to the people I went to high school with. Someday, my husband (if God chooses that for me) and I will be awesome ministers together. But not now. Right now, it's me. And, Lord willing, I'm going to make the most of every opportunity sent my way as a single lady.

And I'll enjoy sleeping in on Saturdays. 

The beginning of the end.

I'm 27 years old and I'm spending the summer traveling with a bunch of 20-year olds.

Some of my favorite games we've played include "How many years until your 10-year high school reunion?" and "When you were in 6th grade...." (answers include "I was looking at colleges" and "I was jamming out to N*SYNC while I got ready for prom").

While these guys are worried about their last year of college, I'm busy making lesson plans and rearranging my classroom on post-its. As a high school teacher, most of them are closer to the age of my students than to me. And I love it. They have so much energy, they make me feel like I'm twenty again, and they remind me of all the big dreams and aspirations I had in my early 20s.

Don't get me wrong. I've accomplished a lot, and I'm proud of where I've ended up. I love my job, my church, the apartment I just moved into....I have a beautiful chocolate lab, Evie, that I adore. But I absolutely want to make sure that I make the most of these last few years before I hit the big 3-0.

I don't have some "bucket list" made up, but there are a few things I want to do:

• Become debt-free.
• Travel--at the very least, another trip to NYC.
• Expand my cooking knowledge.
• Learn to sew.
• Go on awesome adventures and tell you about them.

So here we go. You get to follow me on the last 3 (technically 2.5) years of my twenties. I promise to make it fun!